His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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