i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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