I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
