Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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