do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
