This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize