She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
