About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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