I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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