Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
