Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Randomize
