I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize