The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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