idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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