I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
