There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
