I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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