I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
