I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
