It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
