her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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