I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
