He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
