At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
