I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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