Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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