I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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