mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
