Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
