I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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