Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
