So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
