I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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