The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize