Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Pooping to opera.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
