mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
