The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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