My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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