I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
