This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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