So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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