you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize