I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
