So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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