woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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