So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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