this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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