I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
