We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
