fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
