My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
