Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize