he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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