He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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