I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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