she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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