I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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