My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
