even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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