All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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