I am midnight drunk by noon
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
