I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
