I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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