Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
