I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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